In Which I Am Emo. And abuse the word "elements".

[my_window_seat]

So tired right now that my eyes are nearly crossing.  Couldn't sleep for the life of me last night, and it has caught up to me now.  With a vengeance.

I am having a moment of something so odd to me now that I don't even know what to do with it.

I
Am
Lonely

I am.

So much so that my stomach aches a little.

This is such a now-foreign to me feeling that I am at a loss as to how to respond to it.

I know what it's coming from, though.

It is only tonight, as I'm sitting in the middle of a fragmented living room, cluttered with boxes but missing key elements of furniture, that I realize -

I'm leaving here, and I never really made it into my home before I left.

I'm leaving a place - not an apartment, but a place - that I didn't invest myself in sufficiently.  So that as I sit here, with something like a small black hole in my middle, I have no way to fill it.   Not in the way that people who have made the effort to make themselves a part of something would be able to, in this position.

For those of you who love this place, maybe it will gratify you a little to hear me say that.
Because for all the bitching I've done about this place, it's taken this -
this set of circumstances -
this particular timing and combination of elements -

It's now that I'm leaving that I get it.
I do.

I didn't make myself of part of things here.
And that's why I was so unhappy.
And that's the fault of no one and nothing else - but me.

I know you guys all knew that all along.
I just thought you deserved to hear me say it, too.

For what it's worth, I will miss it here.
Specifically, I will miss the people here.

I haven't made very many friends, in all of 12 years -
But the ones I have, I treasure.

In the past, when I've left a place behind -
I've really left it behind.
I'd keep a few of those friends, sometimes for as long as a couple years after that.

And then I'd just -
Disappear.

For as many places as I've lived, I've never taken root.

It's possible that that in fact is something that is not possible for me.
Now, or ever.

But for what it's worth -
For those of you who have invested in me -

If you want me -
I promise not to disappear.

I'm leaving here.
It's time.
I'm having a little dark tea time of the soul at this moment, but that doesn't change the fact that I know that this is the right time and the right alignment of elements for me to go.  And other hippie-esque shit and so on.

But I don't want to lose what I've been given while I was here.

Which would be you.


So.

Comments

[vividshimmer.livejournal.com]

I'm so excited for you. This is going to be awesome. You're going to have so much fun.

I'll have to visit you in Dallas, I passed lots of good food there my last time thru. Mmmmm.

[my-window-seat.livejournal.com]

Yes yes yes yes yes!

And did you ever get *any*( texts from me? Now I'm paranoid that there's something wrong with my phone...!

[vividshimmer.livejournal.com]

no i didn't. i think its my phone though, its been acting stupid lately. no worries. see you saturday!

[my-window-seat.livejournal.com]

Cool! And hang out, right? Come hang out with meeeeeeeee!

[elegantdreams.livejournal.com]

I am not easily lost track of.
*hugs*
Love you!
N

[my-window-seat.livejournal.com]

(Almost All) My Texts Are Belong To You.
*hugs!*