Okay, so who didn't see *this* one coming?

[my_window_seat]

This icon is getting a workout this week.  Which would be okay, because it makes me snarf every time I see it, but damn and hellfire already - GAAAAH!

Weird Neighbor showed up on my doorstep again just now.

I told him, I'm in the middle of a project right now (which I am, but nevermind).
He said, "Are you angry at me?" to which I said no and repeated that I'm in the middle of a project right now .

If he shows up again, I'm basically going to have to tell him what I once told some drunk in a bar who was extremely insistent on starting up a conversation that I had absolutely zero interest in being a part of. 

To whit:
"I don't know you.
I don't want to know you.
Go away."

I'll be a little less BRUTALLY BLUNT in this case - for one, because I try to reserve that kind of bitchtastic behavior specifically for asshole drunks - for two, because honestly, I am a bit wigged by this guy's behavior now and really don't want to piss him off, and for three -

Well, I was going to say that I still feel a little sorry for him, but quite honestly -



Meh.
Not so much.


See, a large part of his weird dialogue in the two other instances that I've encountered him revolved around how much he felt like his lonliness was caused by other people.  As in, he had friends, but they never visited him, or they didn't include him in their plans; strangers didn't react well to him; this town is so unfriendly and on and on and on and on -

Now, on one level I can relate to all of those complaints.  I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I've had friends other than my (NON-CRAZY) neighbors come visit me since I've moved into this apartment two years ago.  And I don't often get invited out to other people's social engagements.  And I frequently bitch about how I don't feel like I belong in the social milieu of the 'Burque and long for the opportunity to live - er, someplace else that I can bitch about for different reasons.  Heh.

But see, the difference between me and Weird Neighbor is, I don't see any of these things as being anybody else's problem other than mine.

First, I don't have that many friends.  I have a very small handful, and the ones that I have are awesome.  Do I sometimes wish I had a few more?  Occasionally.  Especially when I get a wild hair for some specific kind of activity and realize that only this one friend or that one friend is of like-minded interest, and they aren't available, which is most of the time.

Is that anyone else's fault?
NO.

Then, people don't come over to my place - because I rarely invite anyone over.  And some of my friends have debilitating allergies.  And my place is freakin' tiny, so more than three people in my living room starts to feel like a game of Twister. 

Anyone else, is that your problem?
:: listens ::
:: crickets crickets ::
Yeah, didn't think so.

Also, there's the atmosphere of this area.  Culturally, I really feel like a fish out of water a lot of the time here.  I'm from the Northwest, and there are drastic differences here that I could take hours to list - but at the same time, I honestly don't feel like I really fit in anywhere for a prolonged period of time, and I've been that way for as long as I can remember.

Is there anyone I can blame for that?
HELLLOOOOO - who's fault is that?
I'm talking to you -
Oh wait -
IT'S NOT ANYONE ELSE'S PROBLEM.

For some reason, this guy seems to think that the world - and whoever it is he happens to be targeting at any given time, which at the moment appears to be ME AAAUUUGH - owes him something. 

I don't know who or what gave him that idea, but buddy, I can tell you right now - that someone definitely ain't me, pal.

Most of the time, I am A-Okay being alone, doing my own daffy thing.  In fact, a whopping amount of the time, I am happy as a pig in poop just wandering around my house accomplishing fuck-all and making or cleaning messes with one thing or another.

Sometimes, but not that often, I have a hard time with it.  Lately, yeah, I've obviously been coming to some realizations about who I am and who I've become and who I am becoming as I get older.  And lately, it's sometimes harder to be alone.  Some of the things Weird Neighbor was whinging about, I can definitely relate to - some in fact were so close to home that it made me wince.

Like the idea that sometimes, it feels really pointless and empty to do certain things, because there's no one there to share them with. 

I get that.
I really do.

Which was why I initially listened to him.
Which was why I (stupidly) tried to be compassionate towards him and offer an opportunity for socializing.

Enough's enough though.

Seriously.

Bah.

I don't know where I was going with this, other than, hey, life's rough.  Get a goddamn helmet.

And yeah, it does really make me think about things that I'd honestly rather not think about.  Which is why I usually occupy my brain with things like audio books and arts and crafts and 'net surfing and (someday soon again I hope, after the school burnout has a chance to wear off....!), reading like a thing possessed.

But bottom line -

How I feel, particularly when I feel lonely -

It's not anyone else's fucking problem.

And as far as random strangers go - they aren't my fucking problem, either.

For those I already know - your state of mind and your needs - those, I care about.  And although I've done a crap job of being there for any of you in the past year, I'll honestly make more of an effort. 

Because youse guys - I like youse.

But goddamn - I'm an NOT A PUBLIC UTILITY, UNIVERSE.

Please to be keeping my fucking porch free from fruitloops and whackjobs, yes?

Except the ones I already know and wuv.

:D

Comments

[elegantdreams.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
i think that you are a fantastic friend, and i am lucky to have you...you are actually on my short list, umm, three people, in fact, that i call when i need a solid person to help me...somehow i think that may be a bit of a surprise to you.

I also think that i am lucky i live nowhere near that creepy little stray of yours, i would be careful about wording though, i have a feeling he has a long memory to go with his short social skills.

[my-window-seat.livejournal.com]

And you are one of the bare handful of people that I have and will always answer the phone for. Because you're just - yeah. You know.

And he hasn't shown up again since then, so - crisis averted, I think.