Neutral Is An Acceptable Gear
Jul. 28th, 2008 01:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
my_window_seatAside from all the GRRAAARRRR posts about the stupid, crappy shit that's gone on over the last few months, I know that I've really neglected this journal. A lot of my time was eaten up over the last year by school of course, but before that it seemed there was always the odd moment here and there to sit down and wander around in print.
Aside from the time factor, I've really been struggling with depression on and off, and in particular for the last few months. Time has of course been an issue, but mainly it's been more a matter of not wanting to say the same Eeyorisms over and over. And the fact that I've resorted more and more to just filling in my actual free time with things that didn't actually require me to - well, think.
One thing that occurred to me on the drive home the other day - and by the way, the long drives to and from the mountains each day, while costly in today's lovely gas economy, have been really wonderful - is that depression really gets an unnecessarily bad rap in today's society.
Let me first preface this by saying that serious, debilitating depression is still a Very Bad Thing. And, that while I am no longer on anti-depressants and haven't been for a number of years, I do advocate their use to those people who have experienced real improvements in their quality of life from using them.
But there's something to be said, I think, about just allowing yourself to be depressed sometimes. Allowing your body and mind to settle into sloth.
I'm not saying it's enjoyable or 'healthy' per se, but the alternative these days seems to be a societal obsession with being plastically happy at all times, in all circumstances, in complete defiance of reality.
Sometimes, boys and girls, life really does suck. And if we're all so busy trying to find ways to deny that fact, we're overlooking the opportunities to examine the actual causes of the suckitude in favor of finding the quickest and easiest ways to ameliorate the symptoms.
Despite the craptacular luck I've had in some of my post-grad life so far, I've also stumbled on some dumb good luck as well. The camp experience over the last three weeks has been a real breath of fresh air.
And to a certain extent, some of the good things that have happened to me lately have come about because of my lower energy from depression. My usual high pitch of energy often leads me to overthink and overplan so much and so thoroughly, such that I would probably have spent my summer doing much different things, motivated mainly out of economic uncertainty, which in turn would have been a lot less helpful to me in the long run. My lower levels of nervous ambition have left gaps in my time that allowed for other, and in some cases, much better, things to happen. Things that I wouldn't have had the opportunity to take advantage of, because I would have already been occupied by other things.
I think I'm turning a corner on the current run of depression. I'm able to spend more time doing things that aren't distractions from thought processes that are frightening and/or painful. I'm able to listen to music more often rather than something narrative, which is something I haven't been able to do as much for a while because I needed greater distancing from self - listening to music allowed for mood swings and thinking, while listening to someone else talk effectively stopped my internal voiceover. I can be comfortable in silence and with a soundtrack a little more often as the days go by, and this tells me that things in the engine room are improving.
But I think depression is sometimes just something I need to allow myself time for, even though it doesn't feel good. If I spend all my time trying to escape from it, what do I have at the end of the day but better developed escape mechanisms? What do I have to compare the awesome times with, unless I have a real sense of how much better they are than the Pit of Despair?
Meh.
I think there are probably much better ways to unwind than slipping into depression. But I also think I'd rather have a life that includes valleys than smooth everything over with a varnish of everlasting rainbows and puppies.
Into every life a little rain must fall. Otherwise we'd all be stuck in a Lisa Frank landscape, and god help me, I think that's the true definition of madness.*
* With apologies toelegantdreams, because she loves that shit. I still love you anyway, you freak.
Aside from the time factor, I've really been struggling with depression on and off, and in particular for the last few months. Time has of course been an issue, but mainly it's been more a matter of not wanting to say the same Eeyorisms over and over. And the fact that I've resorted more and more to just filling in my actual free time with things that didn't actually require me to - well, think.
One thing that occurred to me on the drive home the other day - and by the way, the long drives to and from the mountains each day, while costly in today's lovely gas economy, have been really wonderful - is that depression really gets an unnecessarily bad rap in today's society.
Let me first preface this by saying that serious, debilitating depression is still a Very Bad Thing. And, that while I am no longer on anti-depressants and haven't been for a number of years, I do advocate their use to those people who have experienced real improvements in their quality of life from using them.
But there's something to be said, I think, about just allowing yourself to be depressed sometimes. Allowing your body and mind to settle into sloth.
I'm not saying it's enjoyable or 'healthy' per se, but the alternative these days seems to be a societal obsession with being plastically happy at all times, in all circumstances, in complete defiance of reality.
Sometimes, boys and girls, life really does suck. And if we're all so busy trying to find ways to deny that fact, we're overlooking the opportunities to examine the actual causes of the suckitude in favor of finding the quickest and easiest ways to ameliorate the symptoms.
Despite the craptacular luck I've had in some of my post-grad life so far, I've also stumbled on some dumb good luck as well. The camp experience over the last three weeks has been a real breath of fresh air.
And to a certain extent, some of the good things that have happened to me lately have come about because of my lower energy from depression. My usual high pitch of energy often leads me to overthink and overplan so much and so thoroughly, such that I would probably have spent my summer doing much different things, motivated mainly out of economic uncertainty, which in turn would have been a lot less helpful to me in the long run. My lower levels of nervous ambition have left gaps in my time that allowed for other, and in some cases, much better, things to happen. Things that I wouldn't have had the opportunity to take advantage of, because I would have already been occupied by other things.
I think I'm turning a corner on the current run of depression. I'm able to spend more time doing things that aren't distractions from thought processes that are frightening and/or painful. I'm able to listen to music more often rather than something narrative, which is something I haven't been able to do as much for a while because I needed greater distancing from self - listening to music allowed for mood swings and thinking, while listening to someone else talk effectively stopped my internal voiceover. I can be comfortable in silence and with a soundtrack a little more often as the days go by, and this tells me that things in the engine room are improving.
But I think depression is sometimes just something I need to allow myself time for, even though it doesn't feel good. If I spend all my time trying to escape from it, what do I have at the end of the day but better developed escape mechanisms? What do I have to compare the awesome times with, unless I have a real sense of how much better they are than the Pit of Despair?
Meh.
I think there are probably much better ways to unwind than slipping into depression. But I also think I'd rather have a life that includes valleys than smooth everything over with a varnish of everlasting rainbows and puppies.
Into every life a little rain must fall. Otherwise we'd all be stuck in a Lisa Frank landscape, and god help me, I think that's the true definition of madness.*
* With apologies to
elegantdreams, because she loves that shit. I still love you anyway, you freak.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-07-29 07:22 am (UTC)That said, i think you are completely right, although there are severe circumstances that require meds and such, a little depression here and there is normal. and I think that you have much better coping mechanisms now than you did several years back, and were it not for getting away from your escaping mechanisms, that would not be true....ah yes, rainbows and puppies and I am so proud of you speeches, yup, I have it all, but really I am proud of you.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2008-07-29 09:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-30 06:22 am (UTC)*snarf*
*hugs*
N