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Aug. 22nd, 2004 04:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
my_window_seatVery tired, but unfortunately forgot to take the allergy meds and so am facing a night without sleep. Argh. And so here I am,
Bleah.
Maybe it's possible to accept something without ever really learning how to like it.
Particularly when the something in question is a very unlikable fact.
I've had a fair number of relationships in my day. All of them ended, obviously. I used to be able to come up with reasonable explanations as to why most of them ended that didn't necessarily reflect solely on me. I think this is still, to some degree, true.
However, and not that this is any kind of epiphany or anything - I've been a major contributing factor to the disolution of most of them.
I'm an angry person.
It's been said on more than one occasion, by more than one person, and when you get the same feedback from more than one source, it's rational to say, well, there's probably something to this.
Not sure where I'm going with this.
I don't know exactly what to do with the information, I guess. I guess it just seems a little strange to me that this was pointed out to me so long ago, when I really wasn't anywhere near as screwed-in-the-head as I am at this point in my life. Like, hey, I wish I could get a little retroactive credit for being - er, less angry than I am now?
Weird.
Another funny thing is that back when this kind of thing was being pointed out to me, I was actually much more of a searcher-for-things-positive. There was a time that I was more spiritual, more trusting - more willing, even eager, to believe in things, concepts - and in an individual's ability to suck it up, get over themselves, and get on with being the kind of person they were really and truly capable of being.
I guess it's possible that there was a time that I was still approachable enough for someone else to be able to communicate what they found less than desirable about my character - as opposed to now, when I pretty much just frighten people into not saying anything at all.
Rawr.
It's funny that I have more faith in other people's ability to change than I do my own. In fact, I don't really think I can be much different than the way I am at all. I'd say that was a depressing thought - but I think I'm just numb to the idea at this point. If I had a club foot or a hunchback or a harelip, there wouldn't be much point to giving extra effort over to being miserable about it. So my deformity is my personality. I don't like it, I have less control over it than I want to have, I feel weak-willed and emotionally crippled. I don't feel like there's much to be done about it, or I'd have managed to sheer off my internal ugliness years ago - lord knows, I really bent over backwards to do so. My efforts didn't pay off in the long run. I am what I am. And there it is.
I don't know if I'm more intolerant of other people or less so now, after coming to these conclusions about myself. I think I flip-flop a lot. I think that now, I have stronger knee-jerk reactions that are very often way off-base, but I think at the same time I am capable of reevaluating those opinions fairly quickly. I think I'm realizing more and more that nothing is simple or cut-and-dried, especially where people are concerned.
There is no black or white, only varying shades of grey.
Sometimes I get lonely and wish for someone to share my life with. Then I think about the kind of person I am, what I've subjected other people to in the past and what kind of an affect I have on people in my day-to-day life right now - and I think, the most rational goal I can have is to continue to maintain a distance from all but a small handful of people with thick skin and understanding hearts, and just try to do the least amount of damage I can until I'm done here. Beyond that, I guess I'd just like to try to do something beneficial to the world, in some small way. I'd like to think I'm a little more than just "an angry person."
I don't think I want to believe in an afterlife. I think when this one is done, I'd like to stay that way. I don't think I have the energy for reincarnation, and if there's such thing as heaven and hell, I don't think I'd really belong in either. If I have a soul, it's neither good nor bad - just an awful lot of grey.
It's hard to entirely give up the idea of a relationships - beyond friendships, I mean - and I don't know that I'll really ever be able to. But like a lot of things, while I don't discount other people's ability to have them, I don't believe in one for myself anymore.
I guess I hope that I can build other things out of what's left of my life that will make living it seem like something worthwhile. Not that a relationship would have validated my existance -
It just might have made it more enjoyable along the way.
Here's a wish, then: May I make my life something that I can leave one day feeling like I created something worthwhile - that will make a good story to tell myself before I go to sleep.
Which I think I am going to try to do now.
And so it goes...
Bleah.
Maybe it's possible to accept something without ever really learning how to like it.
Particularly when the something in question is a very unlikable fact.
I've had a fair number of relationships in my day. All of them ended, obviously. I used to be able to come up with reasonable explanations as to why most of them ended that didn't necessarily reflect solely on me. I think this is still, to some degree, true.
However, and not that this is any kind of epiphany or anything - I've been a major contributing factor to the disolution of most of them.
I'm an angry person.
It's been said on more than one occasion, by more than one person, and when you get the same feedback from more than one source, it's rational to say, well, there's probably something to this.
Not sure where I'm going with this.
I don't know exactly what to do with the information, I guess. I guess it just seems a little strange to me that this was pointed out to me so long ago, when I really wasn't anywhere near as screwed-in-the-head as I am at this point in my life. Like, hey, I wish I could get a little retroactive credit for being - er, less angry than I am now?
Weird.
Another funny thing is that back when this kind of thing was being pointed out to me, I was actually much more of a searcher-for-things-positive. There was a time that I was more spiritual, more trusting - more willing, even eager, to believe in things, concepts - and in an individual's ability to suck it up, get over themselves, and get on with being the kind of person they were really and truly capable of being.
I guess it's possible that there was a time that I was still approachable enough for someone else to be able to communicate what they found less than desirable about my character - as opposed to now, when I pretty much just frighten people into not saying anything at all.
Rawr.
It's funny that I have more faith in other people's ability to change than I do my own. In fact, I don't really think I can be much different than the way I am at all. I'd say that was a depressing thought - but I think I'm just numb to the idea at this point. If I had a club foot or a hunchback or a harelip, there wouldn't be much point to giving extra effort over to being miserable about it. So my deformity is my personality. I don't like it, I have less control over it than I want to have, I feel weak-willed and emotionally crippled. I don't feel like there's much to be done about it, or I'd have managed to sheer off my internal ugliness years ago - lord knows, I really bent over backwards to do so. My efforts didn't pay off in the long run. I am what I am. And there it is.
I don't know if I'm more intolerant of other people or less so now, after coming to these conclusions about myself. I think I flip-flop a lot. I think that now, I have stronger knee-jerk reactions that are very often way off-base, but I think at the same time I am capable of reevaluating those opinions fairly quickly. I think I'm realizing more and more that nothing is simple or cut-and-dried, especially where people are concerned.
There is no black or white, only varying shades of grey.
Sometimes I get lonely and wish for someone to share my life with. Then I think about the kind of person I am, what I've subjected other people to in the past and what kind of an affect I have on people in my day-to-day life right now - and I think, the most rational goal I can have is to continue to maintain a distance from all but a small handful of people with thick skin and understanding hearts, and just try to do the least amount of damage I can until I'm done here. Beyond that, I guess I'd just like to try to do something beneficial to the world, in some small way. I'd like to think I'm a little more than just "an angry person."
I don't think I want to believe in an afterlife. I think when this one is done, I'd like to stay that way. I don't think I have the energy for reincarnation, and if there's such thing as heaven and hell, I don't think I'd really belong in either. If I have a soul, it's neither good nor bad - just an awful lot of grey.
It's hard to entirely give up the idea of a relationships - beyond friendships, I mean - and I don't know that I'll really ever be able to. But like a lot of things, while I don't discount other people's ability to have them, I don't believe in one for myself anymore.
I guess I hope that I can build other things out of what's left of my life that will make living it seem like something worthwhile. Not that a relationship would have validated my existance -
It just might have made it more enjoyable along the way.
Here's a wish, then: May I make my life something that I can leave one day feeling like I created something worthwhile - that will make a good story to tell myself before I go to sleep.
Which I think I am going to try to do now.
And so it goes...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
people with thick skin and understanding hearts
Date: 2004-08-22 08:52 pm (UTC)These other-angry-people can make the best and most understanding companions, because they know.
Re: people with thick skin and understanding hearts
Date: 2004-08-22 10:32 pm (UTC)Re: to look life in the eye and like what you see
Date: 2004-08-22 10:49 pm (UTC)I like nothing!
Everything I see just pisses me off!
So there!
Oh, alright alright...get lots of fiber and sunshine and vitamin E, and avoid interacting with anyone who is stupid.
This will of course require that you stay out of all malls, most TV viewing, and downtown traffic entirely.
Also:
no fluoride, dammit. Not in anything.
There.
Now my "secret" to life is out.
Just remember that no one gets out alive, and that includes THEM.
Bah to everything, I say.
Riiiiight...
Date: 2004-08-23 12:09 am (UTC)I instituted a ban on television over 10 years ago - okay, outside lapses for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, News Radio - and now I go to a friend's house to watch Six Feet Under and Dead Like Me. Malls practically give me hives - I have trouble patronizing any kind of chain establishment. As for downtown traffic - you've never been to Albuquerque, have you...? Anyway, I've been fortunate in that regard as well.
I have more sunshine than I can even stand. I could bump up the fiber - but I've never been good with vitamin supplements. Memory retention - it must be a beautiful thing.
I used to be a big believer in the power of positive thinking, therapy, and even a lot of silly New Age stuff.
School is about the one thing I'm hanging onto as a suitable distraction from being pissy and morose all the time - although I get plenty pissy and morose about that from time to time, too.
I dunno. I feel like I've run out of workable fixes.
Oh, well. I guess that there is now equality between the sexes, because the phrase "most men lead lives of quiet desperation" is perhaps equally suited to many women, as well.
Hooray for Progress.
Bah, Humbug.
Re: my my we are taking everything so literally, ain't we
Date: 2004-08-23 01:01 am (UTC)Angry is good and useful.
But it'll kill ya if there is no sense of humor running through it all.
Humor is god incarnate. It's the only thing that will break all chains. It's also very, very elusive and slippery to hang onto in all its full glory.
Also, read the exact lines:
Bah to everything.
Bah to vitamin supplemnents. Bah to memory retention, triple-bah to school, and likewise bah to workable fixes.
Oh, and bah to humbug too.
Seriously, the best wisdom I ever heard was inside of a sitcom theme:
"This is it,
(this is it!)
this is life, the one you get,
so go and have a ball..."
Listen to that, stop and really listen, then go on your way singing it in your soul
(and that, my friend, is the answer to your original question).
As for the rest: yes I really am that much of a grouch and a pissed off bitch...why do you think I'm alone ("room mates" notwithstanding)? I am cynical beyond cynical; James doesn't scrape it off the wall.
James, however, was literally blessed one day, by an old man with magic:
as I handed the sweet but dark-souled, smiling white-haired man the small book, to sign for my son, he wrote:
"James---love in your life!"
and so, in spite of his curmudgeonliness, my son has that.
I, however, am romantically beloved of no one, and so I have decided to become the old hag in the cave.
[growl, cackle, spit!]
Re: my my we are taking everything so literally, ain't we
Date: 2004-08-23 05:31 am (UTC)As to the rest -
Heh-heh.
I think "Bah to Humbug" would be good for a bumper sticker.
And I'll probably have the cave three doors down from you. Stop by if you ever need to borrow a cup of bat wings. :)