I Have a Shiny New Diagnosis

[my_window_seat]

So - I met with my counselor today.

Correction - the person I was scheduled to meet had to leave for a family emergency, so I saw the - Emergency Backup Counselor?  Anyway, I saw a person of the counseling persuasion, and despite this being not the person I'll see next week, it was a good session.

The short version of what I learned today:  Given my background and the issues I'm wanting to address, I was given a tentative diagnosis of a form of Reactive-Attachment Disorder.  It should be noted that googling for this phrase turns up some very bizarre and weird stuff, and a lot of stuff specific to kids rather than adults - apparently it's a pretty recent type of dealy-bob in the mental health circuit, so most of the focus is on kids.

The in-a-nutshell version:  When a person grows up in an environment where their needs aren't met by their primary caregivers (parents), they compensate in a number of ways, the most obvious being that they have major trust issues, and often a problem with anger management as well (sound familiar?).   I found one site that had these neat little diagrams that illustrated the development cycle rawther well.  Look!  Picture thingies below!

In a 'normal' upbringing, a kid goes through this with the 'rents:

Trusting people - pretty easy, because people are basically good.  Hooray!  Lollipops and Rainbows for Everyone!

So what happens when a kid's parents aren't doing the parenting thing?  This is what can happen:

Boo-hiss.  People suck and it's best to stay away from them.  And possibly stab them with forks.  Grr-argh.

So, yeah.  I have 'issues'.  If I let a person get close to me - like, closer than casual friendship - the alarm bells start to go off and the little brat in the back of my head goes "DANGER WILL ROBBINS - trusting this person will just end up being a BAD THING, because you can't depend on ANYONE - you're on your own in the world and that's the only way to stay safe - ALL SYSTEM ALERT - RUUUUNNNN FOREST!"  And/or throw a temper tantrum, because another way of distancing yourself from people - SCARE THEM AWAY!

Argh.

At the moment?  I know that I'm in a lot better shape than I used to be.  If nothing else, I know that my panic/anxiety attacks aren't a reflection of reality - my body and brain are just shifting gears into fight-or-flight mode because of old conditioning.  Didn't help that this stupidity from childhood was reinforced by a couple of sucktacular relationships - but in the big picture, I have at least enough of a grip on my noggin to be able to recognize that this is just stuff - it's stuff that, once recognized, can be worked with or around.  There's no overnight cure or magic pill.  It will take - I dunno, mental and emotional conditioning.  Reps and stuff.  Building up of weak areas and maintaining the conditioning in areas that are already in decent shape.

Bottom line?  This is doable.  I can do this. 

Yeah.

Go, me.

Next appointment isn't until next week, but it's good to know that it's there.  There's other stuff I'll be working on as well - this whole perfectionist-overcompensating thing that keeps pushing me into taking on WAY too much stuff and driving myself into the ground as a result - yeah, I'm going to be looking into ways to manage that, too.

I want to have a life that I look forward to living again.  Not one where I'm propelled from one point to another by fear and/or guilt.  I want to get (get back to?) a place where I'm doing things well but not killing myself in the process -

And I want to be able to be close to people without hyperventilating at the idea that they might go away.

I want to be able to trust.  In life, in people.  In myself, and my ability to have a life - with people in it.

Yeah.

Like that. 

Lollipops and Rainbows optional.

Hope you all are having a neato-mosquito week.  :)

Comments

[broken-bokken.livejournal.com]

Isn't the human brain odd in that just KNOWING this isn't enough to correct it for most people? I mean, my intuition tells me that once you've dissected a disorder like that and found out what makes it tick, you'd be able to catch yourself in the middle of irrational behavior...but then, I'm entirely too logical for human brains (and as such, a lousy psychologist).

[my-window-seat.livejournal.com]

I entirely agree - and damned if I don't wish it worked that way, too. But then again by that logic, I should just be able to *think* about doing crunches to have washboard abs instead of actually having to do them, right? Right?

:: thinks at abs, looks down ::

Well, it was worth a shot.