(no subject)

[my_window_seat]

In a strange space.

And up well past when I should be asleep, all responsibilities for tomorrow (today) in mind, but -

Here I am. All thoughtful and shit.

Someone on my f-list posted a video, and it did that thing that music does, you know? Took me back a few paces. Don't know what it reminded me of - no specifics - just old sensations.

A sense of things that are - past.

It's funny. I'm a person who's spent the last couple of years moving forward, a step at a time. Falling down a lot. Skinning my knees, getting back up.

Thinking ahead. I've done more of that in the last few years than I've ever done in my life.

At the same time, I couldn't let go of my past. As far forward as I've inched, each bloody moment at a time, there's always been the weight of what wasn't and what might have been on my back.

I don't have that feeling anymore.

I'm not sure where it went. Exactly what moment it was that I put it down.

This is a very strange space to be in. Thinking about this.

I'm not sure exactly what it means.

It's not to say I'm weightless. The present days see to that. So much to carry. So much so that I sometimes just don't want to get up. Sometimes I don't want to pick up where I left off the day before. Sometimes I'd like nothing better than to just lay in bed and let the day go where it will without me. Let someone else take care of all the things that need taking care of.

I get up anyway. Pick up some things, let some things slide. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it just feels heavier, even that small load I set aside for the day, knowing that it will still need to be picked up at some point.

Looking ahead, instead of always looking back.

It's a different perspective. I'm not sure how to work with it just yet.

It's the unknown, as opposed to the known.

I'm on my own road less traveled.

I'm near-sighted. I don't know where it's going yet. I don't know that I ever will.

It's scary. It's easier to look behind. It's a waste of life, but it is the path of least resistance.

I guess that's why things seem so hard now. Because I'm doing, not the easy thing, but the other.

I don't know what it all means. This shift. It's funny though how things can change without your noticing it. Like falling asleep on a long car ride, and waking up with an unfamiliar landscape smearing past the windows when you open your eyes.

I'm not sure where I'm going, but it looks different than where I've been.

I hope there's a place to pull over some time soon.

I'd like to get an idea of where I'm at.

I'd like to pull the car over, in some shady spot. Climb out and smell the air. Lay down on the grass, close my eyes, and listen to the sound of a cooling engine, ticking itself to sleep.

I want to look up and see a sky pencilled in with cirrus clouds and wonder what they'd say, if only I knew their language.

The view is spectacular. Wish you were here.

Comments

[elegantdreams.livejournal.com]

this road has been waiting for you for a long damn time, so glad you finally found it...and I think that the change of perspective has been hanging around for a bit too, you were just to busy with the changing to notice what was different.

[my-window-seat.livejournal.com]

Funny how that works, huh?

::hugs::

Love you! How goes the Great Job Quest of 2007?

[elegantdreams.livejournal.com]

i am starting a new job on monday, but I dont think that I am neccessarily done looking yet, I am beginning to get the hang of this cahnging jobs constantly thing, this time I had been hired for the body jewely kiosk before I quit the furniture place, two jobs in one month, now that is really a record for me!

Off to work at the car show now, if only Ann could afford me full time (the toy lady) I would not be looking for anything else!

Love you too honey!