(no subject)

[my_window_seat]

Hullo, LJ.

Aside from the few entries in the last couple days, it's been a while, no?

This semester has - well, still is, technically - kicking my ass.

Next semester? Appears to be shaping up to do the same.

I am, in a word, scared.

...

One thing that this semester has made me realize - I'm capable of an awful lot more than I ever would have thought. I can - do stuff. Yeah. Yay me.

Other things it's made me realize:

- I miss having time to just - do random stuff. Read a friggin' book. Do a stupid art project. Go all Jackson Pollock in the kitchen with various recipes and foodstuffs. Go to coffee with friends. Spend time with friends just laying about and talking about whatevah.

- I STILL haven't actually figured out What I Want To Do With My Life. I'm in school, working towards a degree - but at the moment, the eventual use for that degree hasn't yet been determined. There will be some sort of teaching thing - theoretically. But how and exactly what and whom and where I'll be teaching - still don't friggin' know. And time is running out. Time. Is. Running Out.

--------------------------------

Some decsions have tentatively been made. I'm thinking that I'm going to try to apply to Teach for America, though I'm still not sure exactly when, because I'm STILL not sure when exactly I'll be graduating yet - because the Theatre and Dance Department is once again (as always...?) in a state of flux regarding the scheduling of certain classes that I need to graduate. It SEEMS like I should be graduating at the end of the Spring semester next year - but that depends on whether they schedule Theatre History I and II so that I can actually TAKE them. So frustrating. It seems like the taking of classes is the easiest part of being in school - it's all the wriggling and twisting one has to do to find one's way through the bureaucratic and labyrinthian maze of scheduling and meeting of this department and the other one's requirements that is the hardest part of getting through school.

Once again, I'm faced with the same task as the one that first put me off the idea back, way way waaaaaay back when, when I first went to college right out of high school:

Do I have what it takes to put up with the bullshit that is an integral part of the US Educational System? Can I deal with that - do I have enough desire to teach to put up with navigating my way through that - deal with the Issues and Standards and all that craptacular gaarrrrgggghhh...?

It's the same question all over agian: Do I really want it bad enough?

The added twist is this: in my swiftly advancing years, I really do need to commit. I'm not in my footloose and fancy-free twenties anymore. If I don't want to evetually end up eating out of garbage cans and talking to buildings, I really do need to settle on a career path. Something that I can work towards, that will sustain and support me. I'm not looking for a retirement plan - I'm looking for the work that I can do until I can't works no more. I just need to pick a direction - and follow it. Follow through.

Heh heh. Stay the Course, as it were.

But first, I need to pick a course.

This is scary. Scary, I tell you.

Don't know how to end this. Just a lot of blithering.

And - homework to do.

Night, all.

Comments

[broken-bokken.livejournal.com]

You could always join/form an educational lobby group and try to fix some of the bullshit wrong with the system. Lord knows, it needs it. Surely an educational degree would lend itself to something like that, and you've had more than enough firsthand experience with what's wrong by now.

[my-window-seat.livejournal.com]

You mean spend ALL my time dealing with bureaucratic bullshit?

::head explodes::

'Nuff said.