(no subject)

Only have a few minutes; biology class next.

Am probably going to have to drop one of my honors classes. I just don't have enough time to get all my homework done, and I don't have any time at all for anything to go wrong.

As it is, will have to take time off work, on two different days, just to get a stupid prescription filled - don't be poor in New Mexico folks, because poor people take it up the keister as far as health care. The automated line for the pharmacy now tells me that I can't renew my prescription automatically, as they're "doing construction" for the next two weeks, please wait for an attendant - then hangs up on me. Repeatedly. 45 fucking minutes of my day spent calling there, calling the business office to let them know there's a fucking problem here, folks, getting 8 different numbers to call to try to connect with a human being, NONE of which connect me with a person - they either ring and ring and ring - 20+ rings with no action - or send me directly to voicemail, or tell me to 'dial 0 for an attendant' - and FUCKING HANG UP ON ME AGAIN.

Hey, I just need thyroid medication - what if I had a fucking heart condition you cocksucking fuckwads? You'd have given me a fucking heart attack by now just trying to get medication.

So yeah - will have to take time off work to go in, wait two hours in line so I can hand them my goddamn prescription, have them tell me I have to come back in to pick it up because refills require 24 hours to process - yeah, it take them 24 hours to count a fucking handfull of fucking pills. Then come back and wait at least another two hours in line to pick up the prescription.

Don't be poor. It's just a bad idea.

And don't take too many classes, because that's a bad idea, too. At least if your poor and have to work at the same time - which is just about everyone, so I know I'm not special that way.

But my appointment with my DVR counselor last week was - discouraging to say the least. Not only did she rag me out - nicely, but still - about my class load this semester, but she pretty much rode down the Service Learning thing I wanted to get going for next semester. For the right reasons; she doesn't want me to take on too much. Understandable. But her primary focus is for me to just hurry the fuck up and get my AA from TVI; to her, I shouldn't be doing anything else at all other than that. My problem with that is that that AA isn't going to really do jack shit for me other than just prepare me to go to the next level of school - I'll still need, at the bare minimum, a BA to be of any kind of work-related use. THe Service Learning thing would at least give me some recent, concrete experience in my field to point to so that I could try to get some kind of relevant work during the year that I would need to take off from school in order to once again qualify for in-state tuition rates back in Washington. Because that was the idea - to move back to Washington and get back into school again. But even community college rates are fucking obscene unless you have residency, so there's that year off - do I want to be doing some kind of totally bullshit office work or waiting tables for a year while my drive to even be in school oozes out of every pore?

Everything feels totally fucking impossible right now. I don't fucking know what to do, what direction to go in -

Well, upstairs is the right direction at the moment, I guess.

Off to class.

I just want to go home and cry right now...

(no subject)

If anyone else is in the mood to tell me what is or isn't possible for one human to accomplish -

Do me a favor. Just save it for someone else.

I'm so really not in the mood.

And anyone who feels like reminding me that my company is only welcome so long as I'm chipper and cute and fuzzy - don't expect to see me around again. I'll remember when I am feeling chipper and fuzzy and all that again - and I won't be interested in looking you up.

Not that I'm feeling, you know, pissy and out-of-sorts or anything...

(no subject)

And you know what else?

I'm going to keep all my classes, and keep my workstudy job, and figure out something with the Service Learning thing next semester, or something like it.

Because fuck anyone who tells me that "it can't be done" or that my only function is just to fill in the neat little boxes in their idea of what should or shouldn't work or what a person should or shouldn't be trying to do with themselves.

I wasted a good twenty years of my life thinking that what other people had to say had more value or relevance to my life than anything I did or thought.

Just fuck off if you think you have a better idea of what I'm supposed to be doing.

Because of course, I've got it allllllll figured out.

Yeah. Right.

So what?

I'd rather go down my way than someone else's.

Not that I'm exactly, like, crystal-clear on what 'my way' is or anything yet.

Or anything.

Godfuckingdamnit.

I think I just need to go away and just tune everyone and everything out for a while. Not like I actually have that luxury - my DVR counselor wants me to resubmit an updated Education/Career Outline again. And I have to go back in and arm-wrestle with academic advising at TVI over the credits they've magically lost or decided not to transfer since the last time I went in - and if I don't dot all the i's and cross all the t's in my future plans the way DVR wants I'll have to find some other way to make up for the resources I won't have available through them anymore -

Screw this. I'm tired of thinking about it.

Going to go do some homework.

I'm never going to fucking grow up though, am I? I'm not going to be anything other than a fucked-up rebellious teeneager. And I'm never going to be able to figure out what the fuck I'm doing or how to do it, am I?

Fuck everyone and everything right now.

FUCK IT.

Fuck.