(no subject)
Jun. 27th, 2005 11:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
my_window_seatFuck it.
I'm thinking I should just go ahead and give my notice to my landlord on the 1st, and start the mad scramble (that I so desparately wanted to avoid) to find a place near campus.
That will take cats.
That isn't any more expensive than what I have right now.
Even though I still don't have any Grand Master Plan to fill in the hole that a damage deposit and likely first/last rent will make in what I have socked away - and what also has to last me until mid-October.
I don't know.
I do know that the constant nagging worry in the back of my brain that says that a car with 240+K miles on it is not long for this world. And that through age, freak accidents that weren't my fault and an accident that was, it's cost me well around 1-2K a year just to keep it viable, not counting insurance and gas and what-not.
And then there's the whole wanting to lose weight issue.
Which, yes, does tie in to the wanting to move issue. And the car concerns issue.
See, I know that the only way I'm going to lose weight is to exercise.
And I also know, after many abortive attempts, that I will not exercise just to exercise.
And when I lived in Seattle, even after I had a car, I still walked and/or rode the bus almost everywhere, generally because it was just easier to do that than to find parking or deal with traffic.
I really think that if I lived within a reasonable walking distance of campus, I'd be much more likely to walk and do the bus thing again, thereby saving me money and the lining of my stomach (argh, worry worry worry) and also improving my health.
The hard part is - taking the risk.
And making the time, between current school concerns and errands necesitated by upcoming school concerns, to find something.
The risk-taking part - that's really the hardest.
Which is really, really weird.
See, I used to be the kind of person who thought nothing of throwing everything I owned into my car and waltzing out of town on a whim. I've lived in more states than most other people have driven through. I've driven through more states than most other people can name.
And for the last 8+ years, I've stayed in one exact spot.
Which is 6+ years longer than I've lived in any other place in my entire life.
For someone who's never had roots, and never really wanted them in any other than a fleeting sense, in moments of insecurity, it disturbs me every time I think of how long I've lived in this particular place. Especially when I consider that I haven't even really liked living in it for years now.
It's just that - I don't know.
I've had the fear put into me. But good.
I've gone through some stuff in the last decade that's made me the jumps-at-shadows type that I never would have ever imagined myself becoming.
And as stupid as it may be, I get anxious when I think about the prospect of putting myself in a position to maybe end up taking something I don't really want just because I've placed a not-necessarily-necessary ultimatum on the table.
Well, it seems not necessary until I start to imagine the odometer on the car again. And remember that where I live, the bus system is little more than a passing nod at 'transportation'.
Jumped up Jesus in a chariot driven sidecar.
I hate making decisions.
I'm thinking I should just go ahead and give my notice to my landlord on the 1st, and start the mad scramble (that I so desparately wanted to avoid) to find a place near campus.
That will take cats.
That isn't any more expensive than what I have right now.
Even though I still don't have any Grand Master Plan to fill in the hole that a damage deposit and likely first/last rent will make in what I have socked away - and what also has to last me until mid-October.
I don't know.
I do know that the constant nagging worry in the back of my brain that says that a car with 240+K miles on it is not long for this world. And that through age, freak accidents that weren't my fault and an accident that was, it's cost me well around 1-2K a year just to keep it viable, not counting insurance and gas and what-not.
And then there's the whole wanting to lose weight issue.
Which, yes, does tie in to the wanting to move issue. And the car concerns issue.
See, I know that the only way I'm going to lose weight is to exercise.
And I also know, after many abortive attempts, that I will not exercise just to exercise.
And when I lived in Seattle, even after I had a car, I still walked and/or rode the bus almost everywhere, generally because it was just easier to do that than to find parking or deal with traffic.
I really think that if I lived within a reasonable walking distance of campus, I'd be much more likely to walk and do the bus thing again, thereby saving me money and the lining of my stomach (argh, worry worry worry) and also improving my health.
The hard part is - taking the risk.
And making the time, between current school concerns and errands necesitated by upcoming school concerns, to find something.
The risk-taking part - that's really the hardest.
Which is really, really weird.
See, I used to be the kind of person who thought nothing of throwing everything I owned into my car and waltzing out of town on a whim. I've lived in more states than most other people have driven through. I've driven through more states than most other people can name.
And for the last 8+ years, I've stayed in one exact spot.
Which is 6+ years longer than I've lived in any other place in my entire life.
For someone who's never had roots, and never really wanted them in any other than a fleeting sense, in moments of insecurity, it disturbs me every time I think of how long I've lived in this particular place. Especially when I consider that I haven't even really liked living in it for years now.
It's just that - I don't know.
I've had the fear put into me. But good.
I've gone through some stuff in the last decade that's made me the jumps-at-shadows type that I never would have ever imagined myself becoming.
And as stupid as it may be, I get anxious when I think about the prospect of putting myself in a position to maybe end up taking something I don't really want just because I've placed a not-necessarily-necessary ultimatum on the table.
Well, it seems not necessary until I start to imagine the odometer on the car again. And remember that where I live, the bus system is little more than a passing nod at 'transportation'.
Jumped up Jesus in a chariot driven sidecar.
I hate making decisions.
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no subject
Date: 2005-06-28 06:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-28 06:30 am (UTC)I'm just worried that if I don't force myself to do it, in one way or another I'll find that I'm forced to do it anyway - and then not at all by my own choosing. The two times I've been without a car while living here have been absolute hell.
Abqunderground, huh?