(no subject)
Jun. 9th, 2005 01:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
my_window_seatI wish this were the kind of thing that I could be assured that I would eventually 'grow out of it' - but at my age, if I still got it, it's permanent.
I just wish I could never again be hurt or bothered by not having what I do liked and accepted.
I really fucking hurts. And the fact that it bothers me only makes it hurt worse.
In my Communication for Teachers class, we had an assignment to write a series of questions on reading from the text, and then we had to get into small groups, pass around copies of the questions we had written, and finally, decide as a group which questions to use for the next phase of the assignment.
I worked my ass off on my questions. I was really proud of them.
Not one of my questions was chosen.
Out of our five-person group, one person (Jessy) had three of her questions chosen.
On the one hand, Jessy's questions, if startlingly brief, were good.
On the other hand, one of the reasons that another particularly vocal and conspicuously unprepared (the little twat didn't even bring in any questions of her own) member of our group chose Jessy's questions so often - was because they were "easier".
Which wasn't exactly true - Jessy's questions, while only being one sentence long, were questions that would require work to answer.
What fucking pisses me off is being dismissed for not being bite-sized. Convenient. One-size-fits-all.
At least Jessy's stuff was good. I'd have hated to have not even placed in a race when all the front runners were cripples.
It's one of the reasons why I've always had a hard time with competition, though. To put so much work into something, only to have it disregarded because it's supposed to be measured against a bunch of other people -
I'm really just not cut out for that, as a lifestyle.
Everyone has something to contribute. Singling this person or that out as "best" - aside from giving one person a warm, fuzzy feeling, what does that accomplish?
I know it's not that simple. There are benefits to competition.
Right now, I'm just not feeling them, ya know?
Side note: LJ is so much better than a 'real relationship'. If I were to come home and pour out this story to a significant other and I didn't get a comforting response, it would just plummet me further into the Pit of Despair. If my S.O. was tired or distracted, or just didn't really give a shit at the moment because of their own problems - ya know. It would really suck. But here, y'all can pay attention or not, respond or not, whatever. It's all good. Mostly. In this instance, anyway.
LiveJournal: Harboring the Emotionally Incompetent since 1999.
*sniff*
I just wish I could never again be hurt or bothered by not having what I do liked and accepted.
I really fucking hurts. And the fact that it bothers me only makes it hurt worse.
In my Communication for Teachers class, we had an assignment to write a series of questions on reading from the text, and then we had to get into small groups, pass around copies of the questions we had written, and finally, decide as a group which questions to use for the next phase of the assignment.
I worked my ass off on my questions. I was really proud of them.
Not one of my questions was chosen.
Out of our five-person group, one person (Jessy) had three of her questions chosen.
On the one hand, Jessy's questions, if startlingly brief, were good.
On the other hand, one of the reasons that another particularly vocal and conspicuously unprepared (the little twat didn't even bring in any questions of her own) member of our group chose Jessy's questions so often - was because they were "easier".
Which wasn't exactly true - Jessy's questions, while only being one sentence long, were questions that would require work to answer.
What fucking pisses me off is being dismissed for not being bite-sized. Convenient. One-size-fits-all.
At least Jessy's stuff was good. I'd have hated to have not even placed in a race when all the front runners were cripples.
It's one of the reasons why I've always had a hard time with competition, though. To put so much work into something, only to have it disregarded because it's supposed to be measured against a bunch of other people -
I'm really just not cut out for that, as a lifestyle.
Everyone has something to contribute. Singling this person or that out as "best" - aside from giving one person a warm, fuzzy feeling, what does that accomplish?
I know it's not that simple. There are benefits to competition.
Right now, I'm just not feeling them, ya know?
Side note: LJ is so much better than a 'real relationship'. If I were to come home and pour out this story to a significant other and I didn't get a comforting response, it would just plummet me further into the Pit of Despair. If my S.O. was tired or distracted, or just didn't really give a shit at the moment because of their own problems - ya know. It would really suck. But here, y'all can pay attention or not, respond or not, whatever. It's all good. Mostly. In this instance, anyway.
LiveJournal: Harboring the Emotionally Incompetent since 1999.
*sniff*
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no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 07:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 09:42 pm (UTC)Yes and no.
Thankfully, I've already resolved my earlier disapointment - which is good, because it really isn't anything much to be concerned about - one silly assignment.
Long term, though - I'm finding ways to deal with the whole inadequacy issue, a little bit at a time. One thing that's helped is that I've finally come to terms (mostly) with the fact - and yes, I do consider this indisputable - that I will never be someone who meets with public approval on a large scale. I'm never going to be 'popular' or widely well-liked. And not because I'm a 'unique and beautiful snowflake' - that used to be part of the problem; feeling like I could never justify being so different that most people find me unpalatable.
But the thing I strive for now is to keep in mind that my goals are different now. I'm not trying to make a big name for myself. I'm not trying to build a big circle of friends. I'm not trying to be the 'best' at anything - other than being myself. I'm trying, not to homogenize myself enough to accomodate everyone - I'm just trying to make sure that I do the least amount of damage while doing the greatest amount of good within a reasonable sphere of influence. By way of example, if I can make a positive difference with just 1 or 2 people out of a group of 60, I'll feel like I've still done something worth doing - because I'll be focusing on being the one person who would have been able to reach just those one or two people.
I feel like my job is to be there, in whatever capacity, for those few individuals that are like myself. The ones that most other people don't understand; that are discarded by everyone else. Generally speaking, those are the people I find I have a common bond with. The rest of them? Not my problem. Not my concern, in anything other than meeting basic necessities for them. Speaking in terms of teaching. Not that I intend to neglect everyone else - ah, I'm sure you get my drift.
In terms outside of teaching, again - most people won't approve, accept, or even like me. And that's not my problem.
::beat::
Doesn't always work, of course. Today's little tizzy being a perfect example.
But it helps. :)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 08:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-09 09:27 pm (UTC)You are glue,
Everything you say bounces off of me
And sticks to YOU!
Meaning - you are an above-average human being yourself, lady friend. :)
been there, done that..
Date: 2005-06-10 01:55 am (UTC)I'm just not so good myself in group-work like that.
*pat pat*
Just remember this isn't the real classroom, where your audience and judge will be a pack o' TEENAGERS.
Or.. not.
I guess you could stil get kindergartners.
Fourth graders are the best, though.
That's as smart as they'll get before hormones come along and start making them stupid. ( I even tell them that, and they love it).
and yet, they're really easy to impress..while being mature and aware enough as human beings to make it worthwhile to impress them.
Re: been there, done that..
Date: 2005-06-10 04:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 03:19 pm (UTC)